I regret doing what i did... I know it was wrong, to simply burst out at my parents as i did, to just break my desk and yell at them like i did. I hate not talking to them, and this past week has just been so lousy with me locking myself in my room all the time, not talking with my dear mom anymore, or sitting down with her or anything. I'm feeling even more lonely than i ever have been.

I can feel their hurt, and i know that pain more than anything, i've seen it so many times...

So why is it so hard for me to apologise? The one simple word that is sorry... I could think up hundreds of words in an instant, i could twist them in any manner and charm or anger any person in a second, but this one word... Sorry... I can't say it...

I guess i could actually say the word, but i hate saying things unless i truly feel it.. And now that i do truly feel sorry, i can't seem to say it, not even whisper it. Why? I don't know... Maybe it's that foolish pride that keeps me from doing something like that... Maybe it's this damn mentality of me always being the highest and, while everything in me says that i'll never be higher than my parents, i still feel that burning pride, that i should not be the one to repent first. After all, i am the guy who challenged the face of God in a full church on a Sunday service. The guy who said i'd be God someday in front of the hundreds of people around me... With a confidence and fearlessness that i can only wish for now... Just to say that one word.

Then again...As the days pass and the more i ponder this, i look at myself from a psychological point of view yet again... Perhaps the reason why i can't ever seem to say sorry or apologise is because never in my life has anyone breathed even a word of apology to me. Regardless of what they have done to me, or how hurt i was, they would scoff, mock, watch or simply pass me by without a second thought... Perhaps the reason why i can't say sorry and actually mean it with my heart, is because no one has ever done the same to me... And so i don't know How to apologise... To say it with emotion and the feel that i was actually sorry for my actions.

Life's one great big act. I always act... I have to, we all have to... To survive. I've tried making the right faces, using the right voices, gestures... But no matter what i do, it all turns out wrong... Because i haven't experienced this for myself before...

I have a certain, rare, area of my personality... And that is that i am a kind of person that picks up and evolves based entirely on how everyone i interact with is.. Even people that exist only in fiction. I see them and i behave like them as time passes. The more people i meet, and the more variant their behavior is, the more variant i become, using all that i have seen to bend and meld with the world. And i do this instictively, without the intention of doing so.. And yet as i study myself, it becomes obvious and i still cannot do anything to stop it... To stop being such a clone without a personality... To become something of myself.

Sigh... How does one say sorry... I wonder... Is it as easy as I could make it sound as i write them on scripts and pages of books and stories... Or is life really that greatly different from the lines of fantasy that i write everyday.

Sorry... It's all i wanna say to you Mom... But i can't.