There have been so many things on my mind lately i didn't really know which to write about... So i thought maybe i'll just do them all right now in this post... I guess i'll just separate them all by a line or something...

I think i've learned something about myself... I used to think that horror films were the type of films i could and should never watch... That books with anything paranormal were the types i should not even take a second glance at. But now, i think there's another type of text and picture that i should never see, never read. That which involves grief... Especially in the loss of loved ones.

Those are so much more insomnia inducing than any other type of medium out there for me... It's like when Dumbledore from Harry Potter died, i couldn't sleep for weeks... I just kept wishing he didn't die, that somehow i could make the story end differently... Or like just now, when i was watching a movie titled Bridge to Terabithia, and when one of the main casts, a girl, dies near the end and how sad the boy she was with becomes... I spent like an hour pondering the meaning of life and death... Another just weeping to myself and wishing that girl didn't die... That people like her should never die that young.

_______________________________________

I think i've gained a new light to the purpose of my intellect. I used to think that being smarter than those around me meant that i would never need to work to beat them... Well, it might have taken me this long, but i think i've finally learned that it doesn't mean i don't have to work at all.

It's no secret now that my i.q is at an interestingly high 172 ... and used to be up at the peaks of 180 and it is something that i was incredibly proud of when i was younger... But sooner or later i realised that by being so smart, that by being so quick to understand everything, i was somewhat a freak... Or so i thought... How was I supposed to know later on people, mainly girls, liked looking for smart guys to study with... So, anyway, to hide my brains and seem normal, i've always acted stupid. Always did something dumb, and for my academics, i just stopped studying completely... And somehow i always believed that with my memory i could ace any subject out there.

Oh how wrong i was. But now i think i finally get it... Being smart doesn't mean no work... Geniuses don't just Have information in them... They have to study as well... It just means that I can comprehend things far quicker, and retain them for much longer... A topic that usually takes someone 10 hours to master, would only take me an hour, or four depending on how fresh i was... But it still meant i had to work... And so... With that in mind... I think i should start picking up my school books for a change... Maybe... If i can only kick the lazy devil out of me.

_______________________________________

For so long lately i've been asking myself what humans were here for... What are we and what is our purpose in the world...

I was walking home today when i stepped on the seeds of the many fruits from the trees high above me.. And then i started thinking about the cycle of life... These seeds would be eaten by birds, or carried off by ants and other wingless creatures, they would be eventually become waste and fertilise the ground for the trees yet again... And so it will be for all time... If it were just the trees and the animals and insects.

But we are humans... Those creatures... Each had a purpose in the world... They had a reason for being there... To maintain that cycle, to keep that circle together...

So what is our purpose? I paused outside my door for just a minute, and i thought it through. Our purpose is change. We, as humans, are here to change. We are the only beings that can do it, and do do it... We are here to change things, to change life and how things are... There are no circles with us, only a line that keeps moving forward. A line that can curve and bend but, ultimately, moves forward.

We are the change to a universe that has been in a loop for billions of years before us. And what about me? Well, i have no race as a person... I believe that if i must have a race, then i am human, and nothing else. And as a human, i will do my duty... I will bring change... To as many things as i can... I will bring change.

__________________________________________

I know what's wrong with me and why i feel so unmotivated to write... I've lost the magic of writing... For so long all i've thought about for my books was that my books and writing was my job... That without it, i would have no money, no life. That without it i was useless...

But oh how stupid can i be? How can i treat the art form that is writing like a technical object to be used? I've lost the magic... I've forgotten that to write a good story, you have to live a good story... You have to feel the world change around you... You have to see it happen before your eyes... Touch the magic of imagination as it forms grand worlds on your very walls... I've forgotten that writing, that imagination, is a boundless joy... That it is a gift and a magic given to only the select few who dare to dream about things that other's would deem impossible.

I've forgotten that writing is my love, not my task.