Sigh, if I were to draw my life's problems on a graph, at this moment, it'd be at a record high... If I were to draw the cycles of my school life and my studies... uh... Well I guess this graph will have to have negative values now.

So what am I bitching about? Well, it's got nothing much to do with what happened in archery today... Sure an argument with a senior, meh i was expecting it to happen soon enough... Still I'm just trying to let it bowl over... Because if this anger festers things might break... And argh, it's just hard to let go of my violent past.

It has probably got to do with life in general right now.... I have never played truant in my life. Ever. That is, until poly life... And now, barely a week goes by where I don't skip out on lessons and just stay at home... And for what? I mean, if I was sleeping, hey, that's still kinda good... I'm resting... If I was just writing, hey, that's good too, at least I'm working for my dream...

But what do I do? I Game... Throwing away hard earned money and ever valued time into a virtual universe that brings me no long term benefits. My muscles can't heal up properly, and I'm damaging the nerves in my arms... I just eat and sit, growing fatter by the second, losing all my strength...

All my values of life with it...

Here and again we come to this ever persistent question... What the fuck am I doing? Part of me always tells me what I'm doing is wrong... Sure it's strong enough when I want to hammer someone... But it can't fight against things like temptation... I am beginning to struggle even with girls... It's as if the old me is scratching at the bars that keep him shut away...

Like today... A girl comes into a room, and it's just me and her alone... I don't know why, but suddenly, so many impulses started to race... I wanted to touch her, I wanted to do so many... Disturbing things with her... The urge, the desire was so burning... I just had to put it out with a hard stab to my hand - Feel the pain bring back my control... Tasting the blood from biting my inner cheeks... Savouring the sweetness... Relishing the bitterness... And soothing my urges.

What's happening to me... What am I...

Lately I've been having... Dreams... Visions... Nightmares... It's not an entirely new thing... I've been known to be able to dream the future since young...I know many who do it now and again... Signs of events to happen. But now it's different... It's almost like I'm dreaming the past... Not of my own life, but of someone else's... But the dreams are so real... It's as though those other people were me... As if I were them and being them... It could be the present of the billions of people in the world... Or it could be lives I once led... I don't know what it really is... I do know that I'm going mad... I can't sleep with all this... I feel their pain... I feel their unattainable desires... And I feel myself wanting those very things...

I'm losing my mind... Becoming unstable... Dangerous?