It was just a kind of numbness at first. Like something alien and different. I didn't know what to feel, or think. I just knew that it had happened, that it was over.

Losing. I know that feeling. I've known it all my life. But it felt so... new. Is this what they call the fall from glory? No, I was never glorified. Can it be that this is the feeling of working towards nothing? All that time, sweat and pain. Thrown to the wind.

When it happened, when I realized it, it stung a little. There was a lot on my mind. Mostly pointless things. It didn't really mean much to me at the time... Only a tiny cry at the back of my head.

But when it was all over, when we packed up and took in that breath of knowing that it had all ended, something hit me right in the face. I'd lost. I'd been trashed, so badly that to even consider me an archer would be a hard fought lie.

Then rage took over. Confusion tagged along. I didn't ask questions. I only felt like screaming and yelling. When I was alone, I lashed out at everything I saw. It was just so painful inside, I didn't know what to do. It hurt so much.

I couldn't understand how the rest could be so calm. Hadn't they lost as well? I thought a shower would do me good. The water was cold, my head was hot. And yet, I dyed the shower pink with the blood of my hands, painting the walls red with my knuckles. I kept slamming my head into the wall and hammered myself with the hose... All to make the pain a bit more touchable.

It still hurt, and I still didn't ask why. Only when the day was done did I think.

Why was it that I had shot so badly? Where had all the training and confidence gone? Who could I blame? What was it?

I know the answers. I know. It was me. It has always been me.

There was the back injury. The excruciating pain every time I drew my bow. The inability to completely control my right hand. There was the fatigue from the sleepless nights. There was the muscle aches and the migraines. And there was my weak willed mind that couldn't ignore all these petty things.

But I swear, on my pride and my honour. I will never again leave with empty hands. Training isn't the solution anymore. I have shot more arrows than anyone in my year. I have pulled my bow hundreds of times a day. Focus. I need focus. The ability to shut off the world seems to be my problem.

I will not fall. Not again.