GAH!! I'm so angry at myself.

A friend posed a very good question to me today. We started off talking about stuff and then the topic shifted to her and eventually went along to this... I said I want to deserve her. That all I'm trying to do for myself is all really for her... My friend thought about what I said for awhile.

And then he said to me. Ok Jacob. You're doing so much for this girl. We see that. Even if she doesn't want to, She has to see that. Yet you continue to ask yourself, do you deserve her?

That's when he asked me. Jacob. Have you ever asked yourself. Does she deserve you?

I stopped for a second. Stunned.

Then he continued. For all that you're doing to try and earn her, what has she ever done for you? She's just been playing you like a toy... Treating you like a dog that'll always be loyal to her. Like some sandbag she can fall on if she needs to. She's never going to like you or ever going to say yes. But she'll keep you hoping and licking her feet. Fuck it man. She's a real bit-

I didn't let him finish that one.... I punched him. Straight in the face.

One of my close friends. I've never hurt any of my close friends in my life. Well, not on purpose. Yet today. I punched one. A straight right fist into his face.

All for what?!

All because he was only talking shit that made sense to me?
Because he was actually seeing stuff I've closed my eyes to?

He's right. I know he is.

But I don't care if he's right and that I'm all wrong.

I love her. I love her for who she is.
And as long as I love her
She doesn't need to do a thing to earn me
Because I fell in love with her
I'm in the wrong
I was the stupid dumbass who fell in love
It is only my fault and only my burden
I'm the one who needs to suffer
Love was my great mistake

What is this feeling that defies even the most brilliant logic.
What kind of force could compel a man to break himself in so many ways.
A force that would leave him broken without any reward for what he does.
This is love.

She once said she wish she knew what I was thinking. I wish I knew what she was thinking.

But I cannot deny completely what my friend said to me.
I know she still likes the guy
If I was wrong
Why can't she tell me?
And if her heart is still taken
What hope shall I ever have?

I say sorry to you my friend! Even though you said it was ok. I should never have raised my fist against someone who's been there for me for so long. You've always been a great mate. I hate myself more for what I did today.

I am sorry.

For everything I have ever done.

If a truck hits me tomorrow. It's a good riddance.