Write, Write, Write
Finger Cramps
Write, Write, Write
Finger Cramps
Relaxation/pleasure
Write, Write, Write
Wrist-arm-shoulder-back Cramps
Read
K.O
Wake up.
Type, Type, Type
Butt Cramps
Type, Type, Type
Toe cramps
Type, Type, Stare into air
Stare into air
Walk around room
Play out characters
Talk to self while doing the previous two
Write, Write, Write
Relaxation/pleasure(x2)
Bathe
Sleep.

Eating may be fitted into any slot infinite times.

You know there has always been one particular question in my bank of reserved questions. That's the bank way deep inside my head, behind like 15 different vaults - a bank that holds all the truth of my life and all the philosophies and such such that I don't speak off unless I have the truest mood to.

And only one person has ever given me the mood to talk about it. Well two if you consider my first.

Anyway, as I was, there's been one question.

Who am I. I mean sure, I'm Jacob, 16, dark skinned, Eurasian, a journalist, an aspiring author, an archer, an Ex-RSM and Master Sergeant and a guy who loves the country that brought him up.

Sure, I'm also the guy with the uncertain history and past, the guy with a family of rather interesting heritage, the guy who seems quite stupid but gives strangely innovative solutions, the guy who just seems weirdly out of place when he's around and the guy that's always staring into space and suddenly coming up with the most random crap.

Just, more or less, that guy that you see.

But is that really enough for me? Just being that guy... What about the Who is he really? I took a shot and asked around... I got the expected replies, the - uhh why do you like to ask us this, the frank answers to what they thought of me, and also the ones that were simply lists of what was good in me. I'm way glad for the latter because those people actually noticed what I'd like them to, noticing what's inside.

I never figured out what kind of personality I really had. Look around in social circles. You'll always find definitive personalities, traits, characters - just a whole mojo of types of people that, in some ways, keeps the whole thing in balance.
For example, a group might consist of - The instinctive leader, the annoying joker, the arrogant intellect, the silent observer, the hard-working scorer, the slacking side hand and possibly one or two more with a fusion of two traits.

Put in too many of a kind and you'll end up with problems. Like too many intellectuals will just mean too much heated debate over varying opinions, too many leaders make for too many choices of decisions and too many jokers throw the entire thing to chaos.

But all the time, you'll find that fine line between the members of any social circle. Small, or large. It is exactly why you have gossip, because you talk about that line that is different from you, and the other guy.

And now I come in. I can honestly say, I don't have a line. At times I take up the reins of any group by instinct and other times I just make jokes, from the piss funny to the ludicrously lame. There are times I pride my own intellect far over others and share my deep opinions of the world and times I stay very quiet and scrutinise everything around me. I might suddenly work hard, but it never lasts for long and I fall back into the slacking phase soon enough.

I am everything, and yet nothing.

Or as a friend put it
- You are everything I need you to be, and nothing I want you to be.

Well, I was reading a book I just bought, a book about creativity and certain guidelines to writing and how much freedom I should have while writing. Yes yes i know I'm more than good enough, but you can never be too good to read up on more advice at something. Not until the majority of the world says you are.

Anyway, a key line that caught my eye was one in the introduction pages. "...Look, you're probably a writer because you've received subtle clues all your life that you're - well - different..."

And I can tell you, since then, this book has been like a real life friend to me. It's like finally someone understands what it's like. Like finally I wasn't alone in this war...

So it stands. Being a writer - a genuine, instinctive, natural, gifted, imaginative fiction biased writer - is a totally different sort of social standing in it self. It won't mix too well with the rest... And from here I can only theorise why. Theories which I will not list because this post has become rather long.

As a writer, I am simply different. There aren't many like me - those true writers. People who get the jitters if they go without a pen and paper for too long. People who just need to keep coming up with new tales. Or people who simply like to look at the world and smile, with grand ideas brewing inside them.

So it's clear now why I just can't always seem to fly with the rest of the world. I have forgotten this one key fact about writing and being a writer.

A writer must be used to being lonely, because writing is a lonely profession.
It is a road I, we, must take alone.

With that, I leave you... And with some links too, that tell us more about the characteristics of writers... Perhaps if you never understood me very well, reading these might help.

Link 1 http://www.geocities.com/MyPaganHEN/charowrit.htm
Link 2 http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/189369/ten_characteristics_of_the_hardcore.html?cat=7
Link 3 http://www.successful-blog.com/1/the-problem-with-writing-25-things-to-know-before-you-write-for-a-living/#comment-1227917
Link 4 http://www.successful-blog.com/1/are-you-a-writer-7-traits-that-writers-have-in-common/

And this too... I didn't take this test but i found that this page of results was truly the most honest thing i could say about myself...

Link 5 http://www.personalitypage.com/INFP_car.html

So I haven't been posting lately and that's simply because I've become a lot more focused. Yes, i think the word here is Focused. I've just been concentrating on a select few things to do. Reading my two new books - awesome books i tell you, simply awesome. Finally taking my written work off paper and typing it down in digital text. Studying... Somewhat... Like 2 or 3 sums a day of studies. But i'm sure with a few more steps i'll actually Mug. A lot of teachers keep putting their faith in me. I can't let them down, i don't want it to be secondary school all over again because this time i have no reason to hide my... intellect.

Archery of course. I'm going to bring home all the golds from the next competition. Me and my team. So train, train and train even more i will. I'm not going to let my declining social standing to affect me in any way. Hey, if people want to shit on me in the last thing i liked at poly, go ahead. I'm kinda fucked up in life any way, what's one more shitty problem gonna do to me.

So yeah. I don't wanna be put off task with anything other than those four on my mind. I'll keep dreaming of course, that's a given part of my life. Found the eyes that keep gazing far into the distance...

After the two rejections last weekend i've completely given up on girls. I just ain't got what I had at the start any more. If someone ever likes me, the time and place will come. But i still fear that my first was indeed my last.

Oh well. Damn, my hit counter realllllyyy slowed down... Where'd my readers go?:/

God, Dammit. I'm so frickin bored. I mean, I'm banging myself around the house just so i got something to do... Self entertainment options include making faces in the mirror and playing with sticks of dried noodle.

Why does it seem like no one's going out... fuck.

I want a meteor to hit or something...

Sigh, if I were to draw my life's problems on a graph, at this moment, it'd be at a record high... If I were to draw the cycles of my school life and my studies... uh... Well I guess this graph will have to have negative values now.

So what am I bitching about? Well, it's got nothing much to do with what happened in archery today... Sure an argument with a senior, meh i was expecting it to happen soon enough... Still I'm just trying to let it bowl over... Because if this anger festers things might break... And argh, it's just hard to let go of my violent past.

It has probably got to do with life in general right now.... I have never played truant in my life. Ever. That is, until poly life... And now, barely a week goes by where I don't skip out on lessons and just stay at home... And for what? I mean, if I was sleeping, hey, that's still kinda good... I'm resting... If I was just writing, hey, that's good too, at least I'm working for my dream...

But what do I do? I Game... Throwing away hard earned money and ever valued time into a virtual universe that brings me no long term benefits. My muscles can't heal up properly, and I'm damaging the nerves in my arms... I just eat and sit, growing fatter by the second, losing all my strength...

All my values of life with it...

Here and again we come to this ever persistent question... What the fuck am I doing? Part of me always tells me what I'm doing is wrong... Sure it's strong enough when I want to hammer someone... But it can't fight against things like temptation... I am beginning to struggle even with girls... It's as if the old me is scratching at the bars that keep him shut away...

Like today... A girl comes into a room, and it's just me and her alone... I don't know why, but suddenly, so many impulses started to race... I wanted to touch her, I wanted to do so many... Disturbing things with her... The urge, the desire was so burning... I just had to put it out with a hard stab to my hand - Feel the pain bring back my control... Tasting the blood from biting my inner cheeks... Savouring the sweetness... Relishing the bitterness... And soothing my urges.

What's happening to me... What am I...

Lately I've been having... Dreams... Visions... Nightmares... It's not an entirely new thing... I've been known to be able to dream the future since young...I know many who do it now and again... Signs of events to happen. But now it's different... It's almost like I'm dreaming the past... Not of my own life, but of someone else's... But the dreams are so real... It's as though those other people were me... As if I were them and being them... It could be the present of the billions of people in the world... Or it could be lives I once led... I don't know what it really is... I do know that I'm going mad... I can't sleep with all this... I feel their pain... I feel their unattainable desires... And I feel myself wanting those very things...

I'm losing my mind... Becoming unstable... Dangerous?

Argh, so i just had an argument with my mom about the types of girls i'll probably meet and well... go out with... Yeah, weird argument... So we all know the basics, no Malays, no Muslims, no Indians and aligned to Indian races, no one with the names Mona or along the lines of Mona and now we have a new restriction.

And this is the first restriction I hate.

No girls older than me... W T F. I mean really what's with that shit. like 80% of the girls i Know, not including my relatives, are older than me. And if you take my actual age into account then like 99% are older than me... I Hate going out with younger girls... Ok i'm not going to act all mature and stuff but well, as it is, i already feel out of place with my own generation. And i feel younger girls are just a bit..... Well... Worse lol. I mean sure there are the few especial ones, who are kinda like me where they too feel out of sync with their gen, but man! Girls I feel inclined to are rare as it is!

Ah fuck... And almost every girl I've gone out with so far, without telling my mom (i swear she's so frickin touchy about this) has been at least a year older... I'm almost getting fuckin sick of girls. I can barely get one to actually love me, and i've got stupid restrictions to make it harder for myself.

Sigh, looks like I'll never get married and stuff lol.

Here are 3 blogs i've decided to finally announce. There's nothing much on it now, just short synopsis' on what kind of stories they might soon tell, but for now, if you're interested, just take them down...

The Odis Chronicles

My Universe

Against Armageddon

Well, will update them soon... Just want to clean up the writing... And some aren't finished yet... One's something I just thought up a week ago too... I know I said I'd work on just One book, but these are more like short stories for practice and for others to, hopefully, enjoy.

There have been so many things on my mind lately i didn't really know which to write about... So i thought maybe i'll just do them all right now in this post... I guess i'll just separate them all by a line or something...

I think i've learned something about myself... I used to think that horror films were the type of films i could and should never watch... That books with anything paranormal were the types i should not even take a second glance at. But now, i think there's another type of text and picture that i should never see, never read. That which involves grief... Especially in the loss of loved ones.

Those are so much more insomnia inducing than any other type of medium out there for me... It's like when Dumbledore from Harry Potter died, i couldn't sleep for weeks... I just kept wishing he didn't die, that somehow i could make the story end differently... Or like just now, when i was watching a movie titled Bridge to Terabithia, and when one of the main casts, a girl, dies near the end and how sad the boy she was with becomes... I spent like an hour pondering the meaning of life and death... Another just weeping to myself and wishing that girl didn't die... That people like her should never die that young.

_______________________________________

I think i've gained a new light to the purpose of my intellect. I used to think that being smarter than those around me meant that i would never need to work to beat them... Well, it might have taken me this long, but i think i've finally learned that it doesn't mean i don't have to work at all.

It's no secret now that my i.q is at an interestingly high 172 ... and used to be up at the peaks of 180 and it is something that i was incredibly proud of when i was younger... But sooner or later i realised that by being so smart, that by being so quick to understand everything, i was somewhat a freak... Or so i thought... How was I supposed to know later on people, mainly girls, liked looking for smart guys to study with... So, anyway, to hide my brains and seem normal, i've always acted stupid. Always did something dumb, and for my academics, i just stopped studying completely... And somehow i always believed that with my memory i could ace any subject out there.

Oh how wrong i was. But now i think i finally get it... Being smart doesn't mean no work... Geniuses don't just Have information in them... They have to study as well... It just means that I can comprehend things far quicker, and retain them for much longer... A topic that usually takes someone 10 hours to master, would only take me an hour, or four depending on how fresh i was... But it still meant i had to work... And so... With that in mind... I think i should start picking up my school books for a change... Maybe... If i can only kick the lazy devil out of me.

_______________________________________

For so long lately i've been asking myself what humans were here for... What are we and what is our purpose in the world...

I was walking home today when i stepped on the seeds of the many fruits from the trees high above me.. And then i started thinking about the cycle of life... These seeds would be eaten by birds, or carried off by ants and other wingless creatures, they would be eventually become waste and fertilise the ground for the trees yet again... And so it will be for all time... If it were just the trees and the animals and insects.

But we are humans... Those creatures... Each had a purpose in the world... They had a reason for being there... To maintain that cycle, to keep that circle together...

So what is our purpose? I paused outside my door for just a minute, and i thought it through. Our purpose is change. We, as humans, are here to change. We are the only beings that can do it, and do do it... We are here to change things, to change life and how things are... There are no circles with us, only a line that keeps moving forward. A line that can curve and bend but, ultimately, moves forward.

We are the change to a universe that has been in a loop for billions of years before us. And what about me? Well, i have no race as a person... I believe that if i must have a race, then i am human, and nothing else. And as a human, i will do my duty... I will bring change... To as many things as i can... I will bring change.

__________________________________________

I know what's wrong with me and why i feel so unmotivated to write... I've lost the magic of writing... For so long all i've thought about for my books was that my books and writing was my job... That without it, i would have no money, no life. That without it i was useless...

But oh how stupid can i be? How can i treat the art form that is writing like a technical object to be used? I've lost the magic... I've forgotten that to write a good story, you have to live a good story... You have to feel the world change around you... You have to see it happen before your eyes... Touch the magic of imagination as it forms grand worlds on your very walls... I've forgotten that writing, that imagination, is a boundless joy... That it is a gift and a magic given to only the select few who dare to dream about things that other's would deem impossible.

I've forgotten that writing is my love, not my task.

I think despite what i might have said about my like of meeting new people and making many friends, I might have actually always hated it... That's not to say that i hate my friends, few as they are, but it's more that i don't want to make any new ones... And i think, as obvious as this might sound, that with the people i meet, the number of people who show a baseless distaste for me, will just keep rising.

I'll be honest. I hate having many friends... I only ever keep a few very close ones, and make several more good ones... People i might joke with, share a drink with, but never really talk to or spend time with. I don't know why... It's just who i am... Might have gotten it from my mom.

I also hate making enemies or having people not like me... I don't care if the world is just neutral with me, but i hate it when i'm disliked... Why? Because the moment you're disliked, there's a bias against you. And the people who are biased against you have no clue as to who you are, or why you might have done things you have. And like fire they are without restraint for spreading their personal discomfitures about you to all of those around them. And so you continue to simply, without ever doing Anything, meet more people who give you a cold look without even asking your name.

There is a problem with making them all your friends as well. For starters i hate acting around people. If i don't like someone, i'll show it, or avoid that person. There's no reason to act just to be liked. Your colours will show if the various people you're with ever gathered in the same room.

You start to forget your true friends after awhile... If you ever make so many friends... You start to forget who really would have had your back... Who really would never speak a turned word about you, who would defend your pride with his own if he ever needed to. Those were friends... But the many you keep making... In a second they could turn on you, be turned by the people who have never understood you at all... And in that second, the people you once trusted, become the people who have those cold eyes... Those burning eyes.

I hate those eyes...

And i know how to shut myself away from them... To shut myself in for all time... I only want the old... I don't need the new... I want my brothers... I have no real brothers... So my best mates are the closest i'll ever have... I never had a big family... Which is why when i said i treat them as family, i meant it...

Who am i... I feel lost... Unfound... I feel myself trying to search for something that i can't see, that i cannot remember... I simply continue to look...

From now on. I stay closed. I will not smile. Not help. I live for myself. I live for nothing. My mother, and my mates. They are my all and there shall never be anyone else.... The rest of you. Can just fuck the hell of.

I hate this world. No, i hate humans.

Sometimes one has to wonder where one's motivation for life comes from... Sometimes the greatest question isn't how the universe was created, or the ever elusive cure for aids - sometimes, it's as simple as a sudden, whispered, why?

I don't know what other people - my friends, my relatives, the strangers i meet on the road - anybody, goes through in their lives, but i do know what i have gone through and i know what kind of life i have led... You know, it's not easy being the last born of a long line of scholars, sportsmen, military officers, poets, mathematicians, engineers, pioneers - achievers... It's like, from birth, i was suddenly expected to be great right away, like everyone that matters has always wanted me to bring out the glory of my family's name - to do something just as extraordinary, to become someone people talk about, to earn some great title in whatever field i choose. But the truth is, i never wanted to be great, i never wanted to be talked about... All i wanted, really, was to live... I just loved living... Loved being this carefree bird that could go anywhere and wonder at the spectacle that is life and earth.

But maybe, that's why i'm a creator of dreams and tales... Maybe that's why half my life seems like a fantasy that never existed...Lies so great that they have even me confused with what is real and what is a cloaked existence... And the weird thing is, even if some of the things that happened in my life seem just too extraordinary, no one can really say they were absolute lies... Because even if they are rare, such things can happen to a child. As they have happened to me.

I never liked worked, so i never did any. Never studied, never earned money - nothing... I just liked wandering... Watching the sky go by, thinking about what life meant, wondering about the minds of all the people that existed in the universe... Dreaming about possibilities that could happen. Could have happened. And yet, because of the tears of the people i love, i can't always just dream ... And so i try a little... I try a tiny bit to work... But now and again i stumble on the persistent question... Why? Why do we work? Why do we need to drive onward? What purpose is there to be great? What reason is there to be rich? Can't we just live our lives quietly... I watch my mom work, watch my friend's parent's struggle, watch them struggle to score those great marks, and try to make me work to score some for myself. And all i think about by watching all that is, why bother? In the end, we're all just going to die, aren't we? There is no heaven. We'll just end. So why? Why must we even exist, to simply create a new generation of what we already are, so that they may continue this cycle of tears and regrets and that dash of joy?

I wish i knew what life meant. A question many a great philosopher and poet have thought about, and something i can't ever stop bleeding my inner cheeks over... I wish i had something to drive me on, because whatever i have now isn't enough... I don't really care about my lineage enough to work hard, i don't care about my own name enough to make myself known... I just want to walk forever... And just keep wondering and wandering the world... Walking through the placid joy of nature and the earth.

And to keep dreaming; to keep thinking.

Boom.

Here are a few good ones i picked off a site -

-- Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a tatol mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

-- A college professor asked his class a question. If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I.
One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when called upon said "Professor your 44.."
The Professor said "you're absolutely correct, but tell me how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?"
The student said. "You see professor I have a brother, he's 22 and he's half nuts."

-- A Committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

-- A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!

-- A face without freckles is like a sky without stars.

-- A father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
The son replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was President."

-- A flea and a fly in a flue
were imprisoned so what could they do?
Said the flea "let us fly"
said the fly" let us flee"
so they flew through a flaw in the flue.

-- After all is said and done, more is said than done.

-- Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. (Satchel Paige)

-- If a bird is flying for pleasure, it flies with the wind, but if it meets danger it turns and faces the wind, in order that it may rise higher. (Corrie Ten Boom)

I fricking love my bow. Ok so it's not the latest model, nor is it entirely mine and it also isn't a first hand bow but i don't care. It's a bitch of an improvement over my previous 20lbps wooden one and i simply love how it fires. I figured out the tuning, got it to the optimum brace height where i got the least vibration and noise... It just goes boom -- tukt. And the arrows fly like bloody bullets. Ok so it takes away a bit of the joy from good and proper old archery but it's still damn sweet... Of course, my back is already starting to feel the strain from continued shooting... But hey, it isn't as bad as i thought it would be... for a 16lbs jump at least.

So i've got some other components to throw in... A plunger, a better sight, dampers, my own set of stabilisers...And of course eventually i'll get my own first hand bow set anyway so yeah. I've also gotta talk to my coach about having my arrows cut... I've put on a clicker and 30inches of arrow length is just way too hard for me... I'd be tired twice as fast just trying to get the clicker to click off the arrow head.

I need to also re adjust my form. It was as perfect as i thought i could get it before... But the added weight just throws that away... I cant control my muscles as easily as i could on the 20lbs... It's also really hard to aim... Stuff like that throws off my game in the later parts of my shooting, once i get fatigued.

Of course if a senior reads this he'll probably go -- ahah noob... But ah well, i don't deny that fact. It's why i train so much to being with. Because i acknowledge that i ain't a front up naturally good shooter... And i need that extra effort to go as far as my better mates.

But hardwork will pay. Wow... when have any of you ever caught me saying that... Rofl.. Ahh well, i guess academics and physical sports are two quite different things huh...

Looking forward to another round with my bow soon. Trials next Saturday? I can't wait... SP Laggers FTW!

Well, school's here... Again...

I don't quite know if i should go shit, yay, or huh? After all most of my hols were spent down at the school's archery range training, and training... Which i don't regret at all because i think i can safely say both my form and my shots have improved significantly.

Anyway... What can i say about this term... Mmm, as far as in class relations go, it's same ol same ol... I'm like this silent guy who no one knows... I might speak out a bit more and be a goof... That might get things to change a little... But i'm not sure if i'll bother overly much about that... I've lasted 1 sem like that, i'm sure another won't be too difficult. New modules, same ol teachers, i'm hoping it'll be a tad bit more interesting. But hey, at least now i got 3 days to go home early (which i probably won't do since i want to train). I think i might study a lot more... Rather, i think i might actually study... It was by a lot of luck that i got a 3.7 GPA in the first sem. Luck because they didn't include the other modules that i took -the harder ones- which, according to my teachers, i failed. But if i even hope to have it above 3 by year end, i've gotta get A's for every module here on out... Won't be too hard i guess... Now all i have to do is juggle my book writing, archery, exercise, projects, homework, and revision all at once. Hmm, ahh well. It had to happen sometime in my life, why not now?

Still, how ever i look at it, this term is bloody short. But it'll be super strenuous as well... It's like someone stuffed a year's worth of stuff into six and a half weeks of lessons and practicals... And UGH i'm DEAD for all my practicals and practical projects... I have no bloody idea what the machines and components do and even less of an idea of how to put them together and make things work.

I gotta ace theory. Or death awaits me... Well not really, i mean i am immortal... But still, i'll be in deep, deeep shit. And none of us like shit.

Meh, here's to a new semester. Now we're all that much closer to getting a job, marriage, experiencing the inevitable deaths of our family members and finally, our own.

I've changed something about this blog... *points to the right*

One book... Not 14 books, just one... You know, it sorta dawned on me as I was going through my written work and just browsing and thinking to myself, oh i could've done something better here, oh this sounds a bit simple, oh that can be changed and then i realised... I still haven't actually done up a full and proper book. Not one!

So instead of being my typically over ambitious self and achieving very little, i think i'll be a bit more humble this time round and just say i'm writing one book. Not two, not 5, not even 27, but just one, single book. Once i've finished it completely, word for word, then i'll think about the others... Makes no sense diving into an unknown ocean to fish when a pond full of trout is right in your back yard.

So there. One book.

And this time, i'll start up a journal... So if any of you see me in school slacking, please ask me why i'm not writing... because that's all i should be doing. Writing, and writing, and writing all day and night. Until this road is over and done with.

Ok, here is one of the rare moments where i actually blog with pictures, more so for evidence than preference...

So, what happened today? Well, for those of you living in Singapore, you might have noticed a very, Very interest phenomenon today at around.. say... 4pm this afternoon... It was, as far as i could see, a tornado formation. A few reasons why i thought it was a tornado formation from the second i saw it starting to spiral from the sky... It took only about 20 - 30 seconds for it to come to nearly ground level...

First was the kind of weather we have had lately.. Hot and dry, and then very suddenly stormy and wet... This means that the air temperatures are going from hot to cold very quickly, and this, i think, might induce hot - cold air currents which will in turn cause rapid air rotations.

Another reason would be quite an ostensible thing for anyone who reads books on tornadoes or have seen many pictures of them before... Realise that in nearly every formation of a tornado there's a contrast of colors in the sky.. Mainly the dark upper region (also, the up draft region), and the brighter lower region (the down draft region).

I knew it wasn't just a cloud formation (as one might frequently see during stormy weather) primarily because of how the formation presented itself. First off it wasn't moving rapidly like how clouds should, it was just continually forming a straight down column, a characteristic which is, i think, quite prominent among tornadoes before they hit the ground and start moving. Secondly, in person, one might have observed that certain sections of the formation were getting whip lashed a little, as though the wind was trying to rotate the condensed cloud. It was slow, but it was surely apparent.

Early stages, about 20 seconds after i first sighted it


Very quickly after that you start to see the shape and notice that the position of the column does not change (use the building as a reference)


Later, wind speeds physically increased, and you can easily see that it's forming up pretty decently as a tornado. Notice that a second, similar spiral of air is forming near the tip of the building to the left. Almost a family tornado i wager.


And the final stage, quite honestly i thought something was doomed by then so i stoped taking pictures... Which i regret doing since i missed the part where the tornado started to dissipate.


Now reasons why i think there wasn't a full formation of the tornadoes... I certainly believe most factors were pretty much set in place, but i also think there was a lack of wind sheer, where the wind kind of starts slow at near ground level but is extremely fast at the upper ends of the spiral. This might have probably been the reason why there wasn't a full touchdown and go of a tornado, or in this case, probably of the tornadoes.

Fascinating really... Not too often you get to see this in south east asia.. But considering that the polarities of the earth is moving ( where Russia becomes the new north pole eventually) and that global warming is a really big part of the world now, i don't see why something as extraordinary as this can't happen - even if Singapore is just a tiny island country.

And while we're still displaying pictures, heres a pic for those of you who wonder wtf i shoot at home when i'm not training at school...


It's a pretty simple set up. An old foam pillow, stuffed into an old stool and backed by gunny sacks. I need to find more foam pillows lol.

Cheers.

Oh yes, one last note - Several sightings of fully formed water spouts and tornadoes were recorded last year in Singapore.. So don't be too surprised if you end up seeing one... Or feeling one.

Yawn... I'm tired... Aren't you?

I wonder about the exact depth that archery has changed me as a person... The most obvious was how much i finally started training at something, how much effort i finally decided to give something that wasn't related to writing. But now i think there's so much more than just that... I think i'm a lot more relaxed, a lot more calmed... In fact, if you asked me to beat up a guy now, i doubt i'd even give him a sucker punch.

Which brings me to the reason to as why i started wondering about something like this... See today, i was shooting and suddenly, out of no where, these two fuckers came up from behind me and walked into the firing area. And they kept walking like it was no body's business, past the safety barricade and everything...

Ok, this is what the old me would've done. I'd have loaded the last arrow in my quiver, taken a pot shot at them, and then thrown my bow at their faces when they turned around, and after they, predictably, come to fight me i'd have, hopefully, given them the beating of their lives. I even knew what they'd use as weapons - the helmets they had on their arms. Once you've been in so many fucked up fights with these kinds of lowlifes, you tend to expect things.

But the new me, loaded the last arrow, let my bow hang and watched their backs, though not entirely without deep hatred and malice. And after they walked away, i shot - the last bit of my effort pushing my aim to the board and not at their backs.

Yes... My anger has been put on an entirely new leash... I used to be very hardened when it came to fighting... Even when i was smaller i'd readily pick fights with say, secondary school students or even the occasional ones with adults. Then came certain incidents in my life and my mother placed this uber seal on my anger energies. Every time i got pissed and wanted to beat the fuck out of people, i'd hold it back because i remembered what my mom said. But eventually that restraint started to slack and i started whacking people without care again. I, of course, always forgave my friends... Since i did swear once that i would always protect friends with my own blood. I think archery has helped me control that anger rather than just leash it up.

So i guess unless someone does something seriously stupid to tick me off... I won't be whacking anyone too soon... I even threw down my knuckle braces... Lol... I remember the last guy i punched with those... I bet some of my mates read this and go, wtf? I don't think Jacob would do that... Well, you're my mate, and i'll make sure you don't ever see me do stuff like that... The me you see seems a lot safer, no?

Before I die, I'd like to know that I've changed the way humanity views life...
And until I die, that'll be the greatest goal that I'll have lived for
Perhaps one person at a time, I can change how people think
Perhaps one society in a leap, I can revolve their image of existence.

There is more to humanity than destruction...
More to creation than meaningless slogging...
More to life than death...
And more to death than just angels and gods...

Humans are their own gods...
They will come to realise this soon enough...
We are the reason for our own existence
And we are the reason for our own slow eradication...

Change. I will bring positive chaos to a world that has fallen into a unharmonious course to it's own demise. Maybe chaos will bring it into a calm flow of exaltation... Maybe a bit of spice, will open up eyes of the half dead race that could have done so much more for themselves.

I will change this world. On my own if I have to.

Just got back from the archery chalet... It was, at least for me it was, a great time to spend with my mates... Although I still think too many of those who came left without staying the night and that kinda made it a little bit ... well, dull. But, it wasn't totally bad or anything, it just got quieter and the opportunities to tease/scare/irritate people also dropped by way a lot. You have to love coming up with shit to bug people around... No wonder Julius had so much fun doing that lol...

That little, but long night walk *along* the sea side was also nice... Sometimes i wish Singapore didn't have that many lights because all the stars, stars which i absolutely love, are cast away from my vision. Still it was nice to talk a bit more with the seniors than just my usual sticking around with my level... Unfortunately, by then someone was getting tired so i couldn't find ways to make people Lol or scream... God, i so wanted to do that.

Hmm, I really would like to have another one... Maybe with my best buds, or maybe even another archery one... Hopefully with more people staying over this time, and for a day longer... Maybe we'll get to enjoy and appreciate the other *facilities* around the area... Like that pool.. Damn... I really wanted to swim...

Sadly, at the end of it all, no one got dog piled or thrown into the pool or covered in sand or anything like that... Sigh... I reckon it's cuz there were so little of us left... The energy just didn't suffice...

I think i should have slept because i'm seriously damn tired. I had to let my body's reserve energy kick in Twice just so i can stay awake right now... Once this spare battery dies, i'm probably going to be k.o-ed for like 16 hours. I actually went for a second walk around after i showered.. We, we being those that Didn't come with us on the first walk, ate mac this time though... Hmm.. Something must've been wrong with the mac... My stomach hurt afterwards... But then again, my tummy always feels a little funny when i'm staying away from home.

Well, my presence was totally ignored by her... Totally... Like we used to be able to talk for quiet awhile before... But now it's like she doesn't even want me around... And wow, she was standing right over me saying bye to everyone before she left, but totally paid no heed to my bids of good bye to her. Sigh, i was wrong. She IS like every other girl out there... With only minor differences in the way she might be with Friends... Friends who haven't so sweetly told her that they like her... I mean i really don't understand girls... What's their issue? If a guy says that he likes you... Shouldn't you be like... Happy or something? And even if you reject him because you don't share the same Type of feelings... why does the way you treat him have to change, Minutely or Not.

Well, there's a part of the human race i don't think i'll ever completely understand... Ever... But that sure as hell won't stop me from talking about it to girls... The more i know, the better i feel.

Well, that's about it... I think my energy's nearly all gone... I better sleep before the 3rd reserve kicks in... Or I'll be completely spent by tonight...

Peace.

Absolutely Stunned at how bloody accurate This test was. Especially given its simplicity! Wow. Even ran it through with my mom's name, and it turned out pretty much like what my mom is like...

What Shamirjacobarwin Means

You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong. You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know. You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do. You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out. Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia. Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person. You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic “Type A” personality. You are confident, self assured, and capable. You are not easily intimidated. You master any and all skills easily. You don't have to work hard for what you want. You make your life out to be exactly how you want it. And you'll knock down anyone who gets in your way! You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing. You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long. You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start. You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something. You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense. You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun. You are fair, honest, and logical. You are a natural leader, and people respect you. You never give up, and you will succeed... even if it takes you a hundred tries. You are rational enough to see every part of a problem. You are great at giving other people advice. You are very open. You communicate well, and you connect with other people easily. You are a naturally creative person. Ideas just flow from your mind. A true chameleon, you are many things at different points in your life. You are very adaptable. You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life. You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you. At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself. You are full of energy. You are spirited and boisterous. You are bold and daring. You are willing to do some pretty outrageous things. Your high energy sometimes gets you in trouble. You can have a pretty bad temper at times. You are very charming... dangerously so. You have the potential to break a lot of hearts. You know how what you want, how to get it, and that you will get it. You have the power to rule the world. Let's hope you're a benevolent dictator! You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

Shooting in the rain... Is a fricking blast! Its like back when i was little. My uncle and i would shoot in the sun, the rain, the snow - heck we even shot in a knee deep bog or something.

Lol... A girl in archery (I don't wanna mention names cuz i dunno if she minds) is like a really surprising person... I can't say it was completely unexpected, but it was quite a shock lol... Still, more girls should follow what she did... * Nods head vigorously * here, a vid to show you guys that it's perfectly fine to shoot without a shirt on, even if you are a girl.

Now don't go thinking i went looking for footage like that. Her list has some good back muscle usage vids as well, i just found that by hap chance.

Cough, sorry i had to mention that... I mean it's just a really, Really interesting and not-everyday thing a dude gets to see in Singapore so... yeah.. Lol...

Hmm... Chalet in 2 days. Looking forward to it... I'm sure it'll be a blast with Almost everyone... I think theres only one exception, but i won't say who he is, cuz unlike him, i don't subtly slander people on my blog over silly things.

Damn maybe i shouldnt have ushered Gerald into the vcd store... or suggested buying a scary movie for the chalet... Now i'll have to go away while he screens body 19, and the bugger went and flashed me a FUCKING scary picture on another vcd case... Dots, another 2 weeks of no sleeping.

Yep, looking forward to it... Ain't been in a chalet in forever... No worries, sleepovers at a mate's *private* condo is just as good yo!

After a really long search I've finally found an article that comes slightly close to the book and articles i was reading regarding madness and creative genius. In this article it is discussed that mania and other mental illness may in fact be more than just an occurrence in creatively inclined individuals; it may be a part of creativity itself. Hmm... I'll see if i can find the actual articles... Should really learn to bookmark most of the stuff i find interesting...

SPORE, is a bloody brilliant game. Though I honestly thought it was stupid at first cuz of its cover and stuff... Well you know the old saying eh, Don't judge a book and all that. Bloody brilliant until you realise you aren't 5 years old, and you've probably played all the stages in SPORE, in individual games that had a tonne more depth, content and, as it always is with me, graphics.

You know, I once read somewhere, and I might have actually posted this sometime before or told a few of you in person in any of our so very sporadic conversations, that the people with the highest amount of mental problems or those most susceptible to health concerns in the like of irreversible mania and other simple craziness are artists. Yes, artists, those who love to spend long hours in front of a large canvas with a palette of paint in their off hand and a brush in their master, stroking the blank material and adding a bit more humanity to this world.

Why? Well, my memory seems to have failed me there, because I do not have the slightest recollection of what caused this problem to manifest itself in the minds of such amazingly creative people. But one other thing I do remember is that the ones who followed closely behind artists in this ranking of most likely to be kooky were, quite interestingly, writers. More so those who wrote fiction and poetry as opposed to the less beautifully imaginative, but surely just as skilled in the fine art and the tactful craft of bending words with a pen, journalists and columnists.

Now, here is an issue that has been troubling me for the past fortnight or so. I fear that I might actually be one of these so very unfortunate individuals who have slowly, but quite certainly dissolved their minds into an insalutary state of insanity. Why do I believe so? I think that it might have to do with my sensible conscience observing my usual day. Talking airily to myself, imagining the wind stalking me, slowly failing to differentiate between my reality and true reality. And the most scary thing is that I am hapless to it all. I pause and think to myself, God I AM going mad. And the next moment I'm back to doing what you would see those who have lost their lives do. Speak to the air and dream that the world around them hasn't changed in their past seconds.

Maybe this has all got to do with how singular I've been lately. With no one to distract me from my fiction and to pull me away now and then so I can taste a bit of life. I suppose it is quite inevitable that my mind eventually beings to think that what I craft up is the world it lives in. I tried to make it difficult for that to happen by switching stories every so often, and I think it has helped in some small way. But I guess there is no stopping insanity once it beings its slow poison.

If there should be an antidote, and a cure, I believe it would be the touch of another human, and their breath on my skin with their voice chiming in my ears.

You know, i was just sitting down on my sofa today and it was so bloody hot and i was so damn lazy and so very drowsy when my head started wandering again... The first thing i thought about was, of course, sex... yeah you know how it is... Anyway, while i was thinking about that i started thinking about other things since sex gets so damn boring after awhile and then a thought popped into my head.

Paint Ball.

Ok lemme explain why or how that found its way into my thoughts. See some of my favourite books of all time are the ones J.K Rowling is famous for, the Harry Potter series. And one of the things i loved most about that world of fantasy was quidditch. Every book i bought and read i really wanted to just get to the quidditch matches cuz it was so damn fun to read and to imagine it happening. So i was thinking, hey why not put a kind of sport into my books. I mean i have an academy in my book too right... And then i was dreaming about all the kinds of sports i knew and those that got evolved into magical like stuff that i've seen on tv or read in books. There was one i remembered that was this kind of table tennis game, except it had like 6 tables in a kind of polygon shape and instead of one single faced bat a player held a bat with two faces and the balls they had to hit would keep multiplying each time. if you've watched Wizards of Waverly Place on Disney channel you might've heard of it.

Anyway, i kept on listing the number of sports games i knew and which of them i could make into a nice magical, fantasy like game... But none of them seemed to really cut it... It wouldnt have been as incredibly original as quidditch was and not the slightest bit interesting either...

So while i was thinking about that paintball popped in to my head. I could make a magical tournament that was similar to a paintball match! Except instead of normal paint balls they'd shoot bludgeoning projectiles and instead of a flat field they have to battle it out on randomly created terrain and more over terrain that keeps changing as they play, like rocks flying around or spires shooting from the ground. And the players would have to be both agile to traverse the terrain and fight their opponents as well as good in their magical/ranged/melee combat skills as they could use those to get the better of their opponents. And to score they had to capture 5 enemy flags, knock out the other team or find a crystal that's hidden and claim that.

I mean it could seriously see it get in my head this... The thrills!!!

Ok, I gotta write down at least one match... WoooT!!!

Also, another random thought just popped in my head. I was wondering... You know how donald duck never wears pants... Well i was thinking... Why does he wear a towel when he gets out of the shower then?

Heh.. Ah well

I had to take a leak tonight... So i walked up to my bathroom door and pushed it open, and lo what greated me was the half dressed reflection of myself, in all its glory... Glory? Pft... More like, in all its uncouthness... But, as i paused at the entrance and watched myself, words began to form in my head, and flow from my lips... And with each i took a small step towords the glass that held me in its prision... Whsipering them... Questioning me.

These were the words...

So much I could be,
but never am

So much I could create,
but never do

So great an existence,
So insignificant this life

So powerful a mind,
so diminished a will

So capable a body,
so tired the soul

So incredible an imagination,
so unmotivated the hand

So blessed a person,
so tainted a mortal

So loved a being,
so ungrateful a human

So fortunate a child,
so unsatisfied a teen

So Godly a creation,
so unholy a form

So great a dreamer,
so wasted the possibilities

So much I could be,
but never am

Why?


Sigh... This is what happens when you're in a sate of letargy, but continue to pry yourself from dream land... I wonder why i never have this motivation to stay awake when it actually counts, like in classes. Probably as close as i'll ever get to being drunk i guess... When i start to blabber and see the blatant truth of my life... And regret everything...

All dreams are possibilites waiting to happen.

Well Dad's gone... Again... I've never really quite liked him... Not after what he did... I guess it's my pride again, not wanting to forgive and be stubborn - heh, i get that from Both sides of the family, so i guess it's pretty strongly instinctive... But i can't help but feel a little sad, he has never stayed over for this long is a very long time. It's gonna be quiet at home from now... For the next many months to come... I guess i'm ok with it... I've always been sort of alone in life... I don't love it, but i don't mind it either. I've got a long way yet to live, it won't hurt... It's my mom i'm worried about. They've been spending most of their time together since he got back early this year... I wonder how it'll be for her... Nothing's been the same between my mother and i since the argument... Even with the apology... I guess i dont Want her to think it was completely the same as before. She has to grip the fact that i aint a kid no more... She has to understand that when i say i am God, i say it with meaning. Sigh... But maybe i'll liven things up at home like i used to...

My dad's the f-ing sports, facts and poetic genius in the family... My mother was the Lingusitic one... Heh. The converstations at home usually ended up in debates... They were fun to have... But then again... Both my parents were the ones with the shittiest luck...So i guess that pretty much adds up nice and well to the composition of my life... The new and different part of me was the laziness... Which, when added to shitty luck, really makes for a fucked up life.

Sometimes i wish i actually drank... Or smoked... Or did some kind of thing that made people think they were releiving their stress and forgetting their troubles in life... But i don't and won't... Maybe there's something in carrying the burdens of people... You feel somehow used, but somehow wanted at the same time... Writing takes my mind of nothing... Actually, it makes me think of them more... Because it gives me feeling, and filling for my work.

Ahh well...
My best archery mate... And the girl i like huh... heh... Isn't that so damn familiar? My best mates, and the girls i like... Sometimes i laugh at this world. It's just so damn fucked up. And yet, people live and say things like, ahh it's life, you get used to it.. Or they just shurg it off and keep walking on like absolutely mindless machines oblivious to the damnation around them. Sometimes i wonder, when i'm walking through the world, about what goes on in everyone's mind... I know that in mine there's just thoughts, billions of em. Hundreds which i can control, and the rest just swarming around in this ceaseless buzz.

Also, why is it that in every group there is one person that takes so much unappreciated burdens and then is also later equally unappreciated and scoffed at. Why doesn't anyone care to just sit beside him and talk? Is it so hard? Or have men become blind and so very uncaring?

Humans. Need. To. Learn.

I dunno why but i just kinda felt like posting something. So i will.

Hmm.. Still i can't just leave it at that... what a waste of cybernetic space. Well maybe i'll fill everyone up on how my writing is progressing. Most of you know how i started so many months ago by picking up on a grand story that i came up with when i was very young. It didn't go so well, as i was to learn... Books and scripts are worlds apart. So then came the major rewrites and overhauls, during which time i started to lose my creativity and suffer from the biggest writer's block i have ever had. My head was soon completely empty and i was like this souless zombie who couldnt feel a thing or write a single inspired paragraph. But it was also during this time when i started to experiement on other aspects of my creative genius... Drawing, poetry, song writing, and, sometimes, even painting. It was nice, coming with nearly the same kind of satisfaction that i got from writing and giving me equal peace of mind. But writing still left a huge gap and i waited and waited for days, scribbling tiny skits, tapping my pen on my paper, just waiting and hoping for the one word that would be the spark on the leaking gas tank of inspiration. It never came and soon i gave up... I felt the dread of the world on me.. All the hopes of everyone seemed to just be lost, but i didn't quite tell anyone i had given up. Instead i continued to put up a sort of front that i was still writing... And they beleived it.

Soon after, i began watching anime again and reading books and stories, from the old british to the modern english. It was nice to do that and slowly, so slowly that even i didn't notice it, i felt the pen in my hand flow again. And BAM! There it was, the spark i had been waiting for. I was ecstatic, i could finally continue where i left off. But i didn't. There was something wrong with the old and first story's line. So i re did it all. Over 5000 pages. I wrote an entirely new book and series. And i'm proud of where i am now. It was a lot of work, but it was my life. Writing. How could i ever think it lost to me?

And here i am now. With atleast 8 books worth of writing that i Want to publish and at least 15 more that i just wrote for fun. Thousands of pages, Hundreds of megabytes worth of words... Everytime i look at it, i look at it with the love that a father might give his grown daughter. It was my blood and sweat. And i loved it, for all its flaws, and all its fairness. But still i know that these might never get out there. After all there is the editors to worry about. So, very soon i'll be contacting some publishing agencies and we'll get the bussiness ball rolling from there.

I can't wait... And here i am pollishing, and pollishing even more. Some called me crazy for jumping right into this, without even an internet survey or critique of my works. But i don't care! I'm confident and proud, theres nothing in this world that'll shake that. If my work's rejected, i'll just come up with writing that's even More stellar than the last. Writing is my life, and it's all i have. Would be pretty stupid to give it up for some damn desk job.

Woot... Woot...
Jacob.

Impossible...
Apparently that's the word she used between me and her.
Well, I can't really say I'm entirely surprised...
After awhile, even the most stubborn of emotions
Learn that you just have to let go.
And the quicker you do that
The lesser the agony of holding on.

I guess she's the fastest one I let go...
My heart was singing for her one minute
Pounding for her acceptance another
And never even thinking about her the last.

Ah, I guess eventually
Even I get used to girls and their ways
Rejection huh... What a strange feeling
And yet something I cannot deny experiencing
One time too many.

Well, on to the next one I suppose
I found that I was right about one thing
I do need that feeling of passion nested in my heart
For without it I could not write as well
And with it, I stopped watching what people did.

But lo, what a great joy it was
While it lasted
Perhaps there is more to this than simply love
Maybe it is in the nature of men
To love the joy of pursuit
And the energy of a good hunt
Even if you lose it to a mate.

But mayhap I am also right about one other thing
If my life should indeed take the course of an author
Then there would be little opportunity
To pursue romantic visions
Will I then forever remain,
Sad and solitary?

Who know huh... Who knows...

Jacob.

Well, i made up with my mom...

So at least i'm getting back my allowance again.. Lol...
Not to mention the assurance that the 12k that's in my bank is still safe.. I mean really.. 12k bucks just off presents and writing competition wins is a real accomplishment that i would hate to have wasted, or burned, or purged... Or claimed.

The other hopeful thing is that, now that i'm speaking to my mom again, i can ask her for a bow! And hopefully if i'm really lucky and play my cards right, even the rest of my new computer parts...Maybe?

Woo... The tension at home is gone...

I also lost the... stress of ranks in archery... I love the sport and i love my friends in the cca.. i shouldnt have had to worry about posts and it was stupid to have lost so much hair over it... But at least now i feel so much more myself again...

Cheers to a brighter side and, for a change, i won't think about how long it'll last...

Life is one big chess game... I started playing since 2, and i've planned it out till 120.
Jacob.

Well that's the title of one of the series that i've worked on since playing Tabula Rasa.. I'ma gonna create a blog for it and put up each segment every week or so.. I thought it was a little exciting to write, and hopefully you'll find it interesting, if anything, to read as well.

So a little background to what the story is probably going to be like... I basically made a character named Captain Odis and i moved up the game slowly, but while i played it i really tried to take into account all the little things like how the A.I infantry behaved and how the trasportation system worked and the terrain and mobs and such.

The story follows the memories of Odis, once a regular teenager on planet Earth until the events of Tabula Rasa lore. His years on the planet Foreas and his advancement through ranks are something that's actually quite succinct, but the more prominent memories of his past unfold slowly as he moves through a present day war campaign in which he leads his squad over through enemy lines.

I thought it was brilliant practice for my writing skills espeicially since i've never quite worked on a proper sci-fi series before. I've also never actually tried writing something that's quite similar to modern day weapons and our current styles of warfare. So yeah... I'll post up the blog sometime next week perhaps...And i'll throw in the first 3 chapters to kick it off.... I have ended the series though so yeah.. I don't think i'll continue with Odis, but i might make another one with one of the Captain's squad mates.

Yep... Writing's my life... And i won't give it away for anything.
Jacob.

I regret doing what i did... I know it was wrong, to simply burst out at my parents as i did, to just break my desk and yell at them like i did. I hate not talking to them, and this past week has just been so lousy with me locking myself in my room all the time, not talking with my dear mom anymore, or sitting down with her or anything. I'm feeling even more lonely than i ever have been.

I can feel their hurt, and i know that pain more than anything, i've seen it so many times...

So why is it so hard for me to apologise? The one simple word that is sorry... I could think up hundreds of words in an instant, i could twist them in any manner and charm or anger any person in a second, but this one word... Sorry... I can't say it...

I guess i could actually say the word, but i hate saying things unless i truly feel it.. And now that i do truly feel sorry, i can't seem to say it, not even whisper it. Why? I don't know... Maybe it's that foolish pride that keeps me from doing something like that... Maybe it's this damn mentality of me always being the highest and, while everything in me says that i'll never be higher than my parents, i still feel that burning pride, that i should not be the one to repent first. After all, i am the guy who challenged the face of God in a full church on a Sunday service. The guy who said i'd be God someday in front of the hundreds of people around me... With a confidence and fearlessness that i can only wish for now... Just to say that one word.

Then again...As the days pass and the more i ponder this, i look at myself from a psychological point of view yet again... Perhaps the reason why i can't ever seem to say sorry or apologise is because never in my life has anyone breathed even a word of apology to me. Regardless of what they have done to me, or how hurt i was, they would scoff, mock, watch or simply pass me by without a second thought... Perhaps the reason why i can't say sorry and actually mean it with my heart, is because no one has ever done the same to me... And so i don't know How to apologise... To say it with emotion and the feel that i was actually sorry for my actions.

Life's one great big act. I always act... I have to, we all have to... To survive. I've tried making the right faces, using the right voices, gestures... But no matter what i do, it all turns out wrong... Because i haven't experienced this for myself before...

I have a certain, rare, area of my personality... And that is that i am a kind of person that picks up and evolves based entirely on how everyone i interact with is.. Even people that exist only in fiction. I see them and i behave like them as time passes. The more people i meet, and the more variant their behavior is, the more variant i become, using all that i have seen to bend and meld with the world. And i do this instictively, without the intention of doing so.. And yet as i study myself, it becomes obvious and i still cannot do anything to stop it... To stop being such a clone without a personality... To become something of myself.

Sigh... How does one say sorry... I wonder... Is it as easy as I could make it sound as i write them on scripts and pages of books and stories... Or is life really that greatly different from the lines of fantasy that i write everyday.

Sorry... It's all i wanna say to you Mom... But i can't.

Well if you were wondering what's been going on in my life and why i've suddenly been absent for so long... Its because nothings been going on in my life and so there was really nothing to blog about. Well actually there have been a few problems but i dont really wanna share them here since fuckheads still read in the background waiting to spring and make me go on my admin board again.

So at the last post i was basically hooked on a killer game called tabula rasa. Its soooo awesome i tell ya. The first sci fi anything i've totally fallen into. Infact i think i might be loving that genre now. All 7 days of trial were a blast! Until i found out they dont sell their monthly game cards in Singapore. Damn that sucked cuz i spent money gettin a few parts so i could play it better. So anyway, thanks to the game site's awesome back stories i also wrote up a few short sci fi stories, mostly relating to the game itself. I was thinking of mailing the creators with them since they do post fan fiction up, but now since i've not played it for a week, i feel the effects of computer gaming addiction fading and with it my enthusiasm for that particular genre.

After TR, i went back to anime. My god. I basically woke up, did my things, watched anime.. and at some point always fell asleep between an episode, and then woke up again, watched more, and it continued until then next morning. I missed so many damn meals i cant beleive i didnt starve to death. Gah what a holday this turned out to be huh. Even my old mates seem to have forgotten i exist or something. Well, got my archery mates and i've been spending quite a bit of time with them now and then.

A kinda emo post coming up next i think. But i'll save that till tomorrow when i, hopefully, feel emo. Ah well, heading off to bed now, it's been a long, anime filled day.

Jacob.

And so we return
To the same tale
To the old songs

We return to the days
Under the great tree
With my back on its bark
And my eyes on the clouds

This is my love
This is how it is
And this is how I dream
Of her
And being with her

So we return
To this timeless serenade
With the empty heart filled again
And with the full turn
Of the ever turning cycle
Of love and heartaches

Yes, I am in love. And though there never is a chance, I bask in its glorious light.

You sit in the corner
Silent and still
There are eyes upon your back
As there always will be

You feel the beat of your heart
The warmth of your breath
And the tickle of life
That surrounds you

But does it know
Can it guess
Your mind caged in frozen darkness
Dancing within a growing flame

Your muscles twitch
They can feel it
The slow burning
The steady flowing

In this quiet
In this rare peace
You find the dim light
The searing fire

Is it odd
For a man to discover
Immaculate power
Cluttered chaos
And his Deepest Reprobation
In the most tranquil
And solitary states of mind

Is it strange
For the desire of destruction
To come from the melodies of peace
Can a flameless candle
Ever burn like the sun?

But maybe it is when the world is still
When only darkness remains
That we truly see the brightness
Of even the most lambent of candles

Here I stand
In my darkened mind
With my chin down
And my eyes closed

Standing in the face
Of an infernal blaze
A twister of flame
A spire of fire
Of all my latent power

I lift my head, slowly
Open my eyes, charily
Afraid to be blinded
And yet, the fire only rages on
Casting but a dim, gamboge glow

I put out my hand
Wanting to touch this beckoning fire
Flames reach for me
Licking my fingers, wrapping around my arm
With a sudden, bright gold

I feel the surge
As the golden flames crawl to my neck
Suddenly the darkness around
Is plastered
With the memories of everything

I feel the rage
I feel the pain
I feel the hate
And all the loathing of life

The fire calls to me, speaks to me
Take me, it says
Hold me, it commands
I am your all

A second trickles
My heart lurches forward
I want to comply
Because I needed to destroy the causes
Of these lacerating thoughts

But instead, I pull away
Stepping backwards
Stumbling as I turn
As I spring away

To my neck this time
So nearly consumed by this
Latent rage
Perhaps, no longer Latent

To the blue oasis
I run
To the first layers of peace
That is my mind

To the springs of youth
The waters of healing
The lakes of patience
And the falls of respectful power

To the cool peace
The truthful tranquillity
The mask
And the gates that bar me
From the hell beyond

And yet even as I again wade
In the waters of this oasis
As I feel myself calm and my mental wounds heal
I know that I shall always find that fire again

Because of its beauty
Its enchanting brilliance
Its warm touch
And its promise of fearful power

That it is only a matter of time
Of chance of one careless step
That shall place me with that fire
That the fire shall consume me

And when me, becomes unbridled rage.

-My week, and my head every time I meditate to find peace and how I always find anger.

There comes a time in everything and with everything that one must rewind and take a look at his past, no perhaps beyond that, to his roots and his origins. Yeah, i've done that a few times in life, so i'm gonna do it for anime. Gonna be re-watching Naruto, Bleach and One Piece from their beginnings... It'll be nice to re-live the same excitement i had when i first watched them, those anime seriously put a lot more emotion at the start as compared to now.

I might also take a look at my book's origins, digging up the old, old notes from wayyy at the bottom of my boxes and cabinets. Should be nice to compare and see the difference and changes that have come after so, so long.

Snore... I feel damn bored. It's just one of those days when you feel like just lying down without a care in the world, like everything was already o.k for you and you don't want to do anything else. Wish there was something big to do. Wish the holidays would come already so i can get back to writing my books properly.

Hmm...

Today went pretty well i guess. TCS/IDEA presentation went off without a hitch... I kinda feel bad though because it's still like secondary school in a lot of ways for me, i beat people without even trying the slightest. Like all we did was pretty much last minute work and we were still clearly and by a Very long shot better off than the other groups. But that is not to say they didn't have their points, or that my group didn't have it's flaws. Still i'm proud of what we did, and i'm proud of how i performed. Still wish i was in business though. Somehow some way my other group members managed to pitch in their bits at the end so i'm not gonna keep saying i did it all on my own.

But.... 5 hours later and i had my DE lab test. That one sucked. Big Time. I really, REALLY regret skipping lessons this term, really regret being so slack. I've learned nothing and anything i did do was on the spot logic and understanding. Sigh, if the gods favored me today then hopefully i'll pass with just my, and by that i mean my friend's, circuit design.

Ah well, one week more till the MSE and i've still not gotten the urge to study even a page of work. I cant go on like this... Have to buck myself up at some point. Monday's my final SProg test, and though i've done pretty well thus far, one failure could throw it all away.

I'm starting to think about transferring courses next year if i can.

I can't seem to stop thinking about her... Ever since the day I held her hand and fiddled with her fingers trying to loosen the piece of twined string she had on them. I can't forget how easily she let me have her hand, how easily she let me just take and hold it and how gingerly i took it in mine. At that time it didn't seem like much, apart from a repressed surprise that a girl who was just only a new acquaintance would allow me to simply hold her like that. But the days passed, and i kept thinking about her. She wasn't pretty, wasn't cute, but there was something so beautiful, so powerfully attractive about her maturity. It beguiled me and I liked her for that.

But more than that, she was just so easy with me, so easy to talk to, so easy to laugh with, there was no reason for me to hold myself back, she just accepted it wholly. And how quickly she took to my presence when I came to her, how fearlessly she leaned her head on my shoulder when i sat beside her and how she could just touch me without any kind of worry. And every time she did, i'd feel different, not in a bad way, but it was like, a kind of quite happiness that a girl would be that way with me - something i haven't felt since... So long before. And yet there was some kind of gap, like she didn't want me to think of her as entirely a friend, almost like she never wanted to be just friends. But every time i get that feeling, i take one glance at the ring on her finger and i think i'm wrong.

And oh what lovely eyes she has, such a bewitching shade of brown that i always fall deep into and can't break free from. Every time we talk, i can't help but look into them, i don't want to turn aside and i just want to keep looking into them forever. It's like they speak to me in their own words and it's like my own eyes plead to meet with hers.

Maybe i'm finally moving on from so long before huh.
About time.

I wonder through fiction to look for the truth
Buried beneath all the lies
And I stood at a distance
To feel who you are
Hiding myself in your eyes

And hold on before it's too late
We'll run til we leave this behind
Don't fall just be who you are
It's all that we need in our lives

And the risk that might break you
Is the one that would save
A life you dont live is still lost
So stand on the edge with me
Hold back your fear and see
Nothing is real til it's gone

Hold on before its too late
We'll run til we leave this behind
Don't fall just be who you are
It's all that we need in our lives

So live like you mean it
Love til you feel it
It's all that we need in our lives
So stand on the edge with me
Hold back your fear and see
Nothing is real til it's gone

And hold on before its too late
We'll run til we leave this behind
Don't fall just be who you are
It's all that we need in our lives

And hold on before its too late
We'll run til we leave this behind
Don't fall just be who you are
It's all that we need in our lives

It's all that we need in our lives
It's all that I need in my life

- Before it's too late
Goo Goo Dolls
OST of Transformers

Well, the archery compy went as well as i expected it to. I lost in the first knock out round. During the first round of the day i spent 9 ends trying to get the right sight before i realized that the bow i was using was my old one, and then i finally got back my sight. I managed to hit a series of 9s and 10s during the second round and caught up from near last place to 3rd place, but during lunch something messed up my sight and i lost the first k/o round.

So, i guess anyway you see it, i just need more training. I'll take it as a sign - save your money and get computer parts instead of a new metal bow. Come September holidays, all my spare time is just going to go into getting back my old shooting form. I used to be equal to the number one, and i must try to be that again.

I felt so bad though, not because i lost but because i let so many people down. I felt so bad when Hafiz walked up beside me and told me to stop thinking so much about how i was standing and shooting, that i should just shoot as i normally would because i should certainly be able to beat just about everyone. Felt bad when Horace told me that he expected me to be champion and then me losing so quickly and so badly. Felt bad when my mom gave me that disappointed face when i got home and told her i got k/o-ed in the first round. Felt weird when people were saying how i used to be on par with the best of us- when at that time i clearly wasn't.

Sigh.. I Hate letting people down

So heres my congratulations to all three of my mates who got the top 3 for guys, and my girl mates who also got top 3 for the girls. You dudes and dudetts certainly deserved it, especially after all that training effort.

Jacob.

No matter the troubles of the world I carry
No matter the winds of hate that lash on
No matter how many times I shall fall
Stand again...
I shall always push myself up
I shall always hold my chin high
Even if it is small...
I will always take a step forward
Because...
There is a promise
There is an oath
To Them
To Him
To her
To me
Fear my pride
Appreciate my mercy
Understand my tears.

Ok, so archery training today was a complete bust. I sucked so much i don't think Anything i do on saturday will get me into even the first knock out round. Bah, what a waste skipping so many lessons to train for something i have probably no chance of winning anyway.

And there are two practical tests next week, on top of the 40% grade presentation i have to make. I'll just fail the practicals i guess, there's always next term's work to make up for this and i swear here and now, next term i'm going right back to the hardcore schooling guy i was in the first term.

A fortnight away lies my mid year exams. Argh, 2 weeks of hardcore studying is gonna kill me. Still, i plan on using the 24/7 mug time offered by our school so i hope i can concentrate at school even though i can't at home.

Here's hoping that it rains realllllly heavily on Saturday so that we postpone the compy, because if it doesn't, it's just going to be a very humiliating loss for me.

Jacob.

Absolute mental focus - that's what I'm working on now.

It's sort of like the void I've mentioned here before, but a little different. Like the void, it is a very difficult discipline to master and like the void it involves an incredible amount of concentration. However, unlike the void, it doesn't let me see things and stuff, it just lets me focus on one matter completely. At the same time, it allows me to forget all other external sources of energy.

I'm hoping that it will help me in my archery competition, the first one that I will be taking part in, against all the other y1 archers. Sigh, I can't tell you how incredibly stressed out I am over this... I've just Got to win, or at least be the runner up. Like so many things ride on it, my pride being one of the more important.

So, it's just an hour or two of meditation, forgetting everything and playing in my mind the image of the target faces, the flight of the arrows, the way i hold my bow and my entire shooting form. The visualisation of every single step for every single shot. You think it's easy? You try sitting down and freezing for 2 hours with thinking of nothing but the picture of a brick wall in front of your eyes. And then make that brick wall move like you were in a fast train.

Well, this Saturday at 9. Gonna skip classes Again tomorrow to train for this...
Jacob.

Hold on - that's what I keep telling myself... Hold on.
I feel like soldier that has marched long into the gates of war, long through the lands of death, fighting, killing, running, hiding - surviving. That's all he wants to do, survive this fire of hell and hope to someday come out and breathe the air of placidity, of freedom and peace of mind. Not to worry of who might be standing behind him, waiting for their chance to sink their sword into his back. Not thinking of where he might place his foot next, of who might place his foot for him.

A soldier who has faced death so many times and yet somehow has lived to stand and walk once more. But then, in the depth of this war, this senseless gears of whatever higher power that wills it to keep turning, he finds himself standing upon a tall rock plateau, backing away to the edge, surrounded by fire, cornered by foes of great might. Nay but his hands in front of him, nothing but bare skin and threaded cloth standing between their blades and his flesh. His scars tattoo him, a sign of his experience. But what do they matter in the face of such unrelenting, merciless, cold blood, evil hearted adversaries?

His heart jumps, and in that moment of panic and uncertainty, he leaps, he dives, he rolls, he moves in ways he did not see, he moves in ways he did not plan and then, he falls. Straight off the edge of this pillar of rock and stone, long he falls. But his hand catches a jutting stone, and there he is, hanging.

His world suddenly morphs. The clouds race, the sun's blood red becomes boldly gold and the fires are extinguished in an instant by the racing green of the world, by clear waters and a cool breeze. There was his dream world now suddenly lying a top of this pillar, and it was on the side of this rock of solitude, this rock of pain and damnation that he hung on to. Below him lay nothing but an abyss, and if he fell, surely the infernal flames would return. But as he hung, he realised, that the world upon the rock was salvation, a haven he had to reach and so one hand sung up, and he pulled, hard as he could, he pulled and lifted himself one step up. There were hundreds left to go.

This is a war I'm fighting day and night. To control my emotions and my rage to balancing the natural forces of energy that surround me. To try and force them to work harmoniously even though everything around me twists them in chaotic ways. Who can understand my predicament? My friends do, but they are as helpless as I am, because we are all forced by the hand of whatever power controls this world. And I am fated to be without them for long days.

It is hard for me to find my void again. The void i have maintained to retreat to, a void of absolute focus and a void in which i can feel every aura and see every movement of every being i am with. It is almost like a black room, but with walls that display all the details of everything I have seen, heard and felt. It allows me to study everyone and everything they and I have done, so that I may see where the improvements are to be made and where to avoid what. It allowed me to balance everything and make my decisions in life. But I cannot seem to attain it again, because every time i try, my energy flickers, and my concentration fades, because of all the stress that i could honestly do without.

I keep telling myself, forget it all, fuck them all. Let them rot, they are worth nothing. Forget it all and just focus on studying, it will take your mind off it all. Just focus on writing your books and getting them published because that's where, if all is well, your money will flow from. But it is too hard. I am too used to being friendly, too used to being accepted and liked. So instead i keep slipping, and if this bullshit continues i really dont know what i might do.

Hold on....
Just... Hold...On
DAMMIT!

Woo... Back from camp and i can tell ya it was a hell of a lot of fun. It was a hardcore training camp for archery and there was tonnes to learn. Though after learning those things i had a little trouble getting my scores back on form.
Now to start designing the t-shirt....

Didn't feel like typing much.. Maybe it's cuz my muscles feel raw and my fingers are sort of ... Trembling. I can still feel the cold from the room seeping out from my skin... I just don't get why they had to set it at 16 degrees.

p.s to the ... Man i don't know what word to use, its just sort of a combination of so many things and none of them are good, so just think up of all the kinds of insulting words to describe a person, and fit that all in here...

Anyway, first thing is - you need help. I mean, it's kinda sad how you're Meh, Claire And Stacy. As well as "anonymous". Common loser, i'm no fool at I.T shit. You might want to place a tracer block on your net BTW plus a couple of spyware checks on both your computers. And notice how when you Did decide to put your name it was that of girls. How low can you get?

And don't fuck around with me. I seriously WILL FUCKING OWN YOUR GAY FACE if you continue to insult my friends. And you know what? If i guessed wrong and whacked the wrong guy, i'd just end up beating the shit out of everyone who i think is on that list. And that's not very many people.

They aren't immature, maybe a tad bit eccentric. But i'm sure they aren't children or losers in a shell of idiotic illusions that you surely are. And IDIOT, they have good grammar but you obviously fail to understand that this is the net and that's just a tag board. How long did it take you to type those "grammatically correct" sentences? With your gay speed and lousy English I wager Quite awhile. Your grades are so shit anyway and so are your previous leadership records and ranks and shit, really what the fuck do you have to back up your hate or claims that you are better, i'm seriously trying to figure that out.

Sigh... Honestly man, i prefer to avoid assholes because if they don't fuck off i don't know when i might just hit them. It'll just happen, and you WILL bleed. So do take this... Repeated warning and fuck off. And perhaps try to improve your low self.

This is a good thing though, I haven't had a chance to study a subject of your kind of... bullshit characteristics. It'll go a long way in my studies of psychology.

And to my mates, thanks for backing me up.
They've seen you btw, and we're just waiting to pounce. Though i prefer to do it myself.
Jacob.

Hahaha... I'm gettin used to my life now... And idiots like the "hate" breeder - as my mate cho has named him to be- give me a new breath of life every time. Why? Because people like him just make me Laugh. Weak, insecure, craven, unskilled in everything and yet thinks he's good at anything. Lol.. just makes me sad that such people even exist to be frank.

And surprisingly, its that pity for such a soul that keeps me from pounding the fuck out of him. Because when i look at him i just see something far less significant than an ant crawling on my table. Something i could squish in an instant, but choose to let live because he's that worthless to me.

Losers flood the world. But worse than those losers, are the infidels who are blind to everything but what they themselves consider to be their world, who just simply cannot accept the fact that everyone is different and that what they are is not because of themselves but because of the choices that other people have made.

Learn fucker, you're reading this. Learn. I don't have loyal friends from being someone who deserves to die, or being an "arrogant, selfish - and whatever else" thing you called me on my tag board. There has to be a reason, or I might as well be a person with no companions at all. And for fucks sake, i know you have no ability or talent and probably haven't achieved much in life, but when a person IS talented and shows it, obviously it's gonna look arrogant to someone who doesn't have anything. But that's only because it's something absolutely natural to the one who does have it.

Learn fucker. And learn to grow up as well. Age does not determine ones experience or wisdom. Experience determines one's age and wisdom, and wisdom serves to augment one's experiences. I might be younger than most people, but I sure as hell ain't a childish fuck like yourself.

Learn. You fucking cunt. Learn! Oh, and grow some balls and come face me in person, please.
And For the LOVE OF GOD MAN! Don't pretend in front of me at school, I know its you.